While I had some personal interaction with foster care growing up, it wasn’t until 2019, while working at a church on the north side of Houston, that I had my first encounter with a local group home and realized how little I actually knew about child welfare. I’ve said it many times since: there was a point when the extent of my expertise was that I had confidence I could beat the kids at basketball, but that was it.
But through those interactions over the years, eventually becoming a foster parent myself, and now working in the foster care space, I’ve picked up a lot along the way, including a much greater appreciation for the words we use.
The words we use matter more than we might think.
Many of us don’t realize that some everyday phrases, ones we’ve heard or used for years, can carry unintended assumptions about children and families connected to the child welfare system.
READ: Understanding the Language of Foster Care: A Simple Guide to Common Acronyms
When we take the time to become more thoughtful about the way we speak, we’re able to create space for dignity, trust, and genuine connection.
Why Language Matters
Experiences within the foster care community are rarely simple or straightforward.
Every child who enters the foster care system arrives with a story that is far more layered than most people know. Connected to that child is a whole network of people: biological parents, foster and kinship families, caseworkers, and extended family members – each navigating their own complex circumstances.
Even with the best intentions, if we’re not thoughtful about what we say, we can risk:
- Reducing a person’s identity to their hardest season
- Creating distance when what we actually want is connection
- Reinforcing harmful myths about biological families
- Glossing over the real pain and grief children in care are carrying
Words have weight. And in a community that has often experienced judgment, misunderstanding, and loss, the words we choose can either build trust — or quietly chip away at it.
Words We Use, and Why
I’d love to share some of the phrasing our team has intentionally chosen to use, and some reasons why. If some of these shifts are new to you, that’s okay, they were new to me at one point as well!
What matters most is staying open to learning so you can approach the foster care community with greater awareness and thoughtfulness.
Two quick caveats:
- This is not representative of every phrase that probably needs shifting. These are just some of the ones we’ve been considering lately.
- Many of these shifts came from noticing what felt off in our own conversations with the community we serve. We hope you’ll extend grace where you might see things a little differently.
- Like most things, there’s nuance here. Some children and youth in foster care have their own way of identifying and describing their experience, and that matters. However, we might typically make reference, we always want to lead with the person in front of us.
Simple Language Shifts
1) Instead of “foster child” –> “child involved with the foster care system”
Why: This one is small but meaningful. A child’s experience in foster care is something they’re going through; it’s not who they are. Putting the child first in our language reflects that. It also acknowledges that their circumstances are temporary and external, not a permanent label attached to their identity.
2) Instead of “kids” –> “children”
Why: When referring to those in foster care, “children” feels like the more respectful and inclusive term. It’s a small shift, but one that signals we see them with the same dignity we’d extend to any child.
3) “Involved with” rather than “in” the child welfare system.
Why: This language recognizes that a child’s involvement is not a passive condition. It reflects a system and the circumstances they are navigating. It also includes those who are at risk of entering care or who have aged out.
4) For those who have aged out: “youth” or “young adults,” not “kids.”
Why: Young people who have aged out of the foster care system have often carried enormous responsibility from a very young age. Referring to them as “youth” or “young adults” honors that and reflects the maturity and resilience they’ve had to develop.
A Few Phrases Worth Rethinking
Beyond the terminology shifts above, there are some common phrases that often come up in conversations about foster care.
“They’re so lucky to have you.”
This is one of the most common things foster parents hear, and it’s always said with warmth.
But here’s the thing: most children involved with the foster care system wouldn’t describe their experience as “lucky.”
They’ve experienced loss. Even in the healthiest of placements, they are processing grief, confusion, and complicated emotions about their biological family. Language that skips over that reality, even gently, can unintentionally communicate that we don’t fully see what they’re carrying.
LEARN MORE: Trauma-Informed Training
“I can’t believe they let that happen to their children.”
At The Riverside Project, one of our core values is to believe the best. We always remind ourselves that right next to a vulnerable child are vulnerable parents.
There’s a deeply harmful myth that biological families connected to the foster care system don’t love or care about their children. In reality, that stereotype rarely reflects what families are facing.
Foster care doesn’t exist in isolation. Many families are navigating incredibly complex circumstances: things like poverty, housing instability, addiction, incarceration, or human trafficking. In many cases, these challenges stretch back across generations, making it even harder for parents to access the support they need.
Choosing thoughtful language helps us honor the dignity of everyone connected to a child’s story.
“The least of these.”
As a Christ-centered organization, we deeply believe in the call to care for our vulnerable neighbors. The passage in Matthew 25:40 is one we hold close.
That said, when phrases like “the least of these” are used outside of a shared biblical context, they can unintentionally come across as diminishing — as if the people we serve are defined primarily by what they lack. The families and children we walk alongside are image-bearers with dignity, strength, and gifts. We want our language to reflect that, even when we’re calling people to serve.
“I could never do that” / “I’d get too attached” / “I’m just too busy”
Foster parents absolutely get attached, and they’re often balancing busy lives just like anyone else. These phrases, however casually meant, can have the unintended effect of creating a kind of distance, as if foster parenting is something other people do. Rather than comparing ourselves, we can simply honor the care and dedication that foster and kinship families bring to the children in their homes.
“Are you planning to adopt them?”
The primary goal of foster care is reunification. That’s not just a policy position, it’s at the heart of why The Riverside Project exists. Part of our vision is that Houston would be a place where families heal. Reunification, whenever it’s safe and possible, is what that looks like in practice.
I previously wrote another article, “Protecting the Privacy of Kids in Care,” to give some helpful guidance. Give it a read to learn more about the types of considerations foster parents are keeping in mind when speaking about the children in their care.
A Note on Grace… Including for Yourself
If you’ve read this and found yourself thinking, “I’ve said some of those things,” you’re not alone. Most of us have. The people on our team have too.
This isn’t about shame or getting it perfectly right. It’s about staying curious, staying humble, and caring enough about the people in this community to keep learning.
The foster care community is full of people doing hard, meaningful work, and they notice when those around them make an effort to show up thoughtfully. That matters.
If you’re looking for ways to go deeper, whether that means learning more about trauma-informed care, exploring how your church might get involved, or simply figuring out where you fit along The River, we’d love to walk alongside you.
Everyone has a place along The River of Houston’s foster care system. As people bring their unique skills, relationships, and resources together, we can make our city a place where children heal and families thrive.
If you’re interested in learning how you can get involved, we’d love to walk alongside you as you explore where you might fit within this work.