Building a Circle of Connection (by Jenni Lord, Founder of Chosen)
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“This doesn’t look like what I thought it would.”
I hear this statement all the time. Maybe you do too. Or perhaps you’ve thought it yourself.
Many foster and adoptive families find that their experiences differ drastically from their expectations. Sometimes, we aren’t even aware of the picture we imagined until it doesn’t match up with reality. Maybe it wasn’t a Disney fairytale, but we certainly weren’t expecting a nightmare.
And yet, disillusionment often leads to despair and hopelessness.
If you find yourself in this situation today or know someone who is feeling this way, please know you are not alone. Disillusionment can bring feelings of wanting to quit.
I see you.
But there is hope.
And I’m here to offer some tools to help with the challenges that stem from trauma and disillusionment.
The word “trauma” gets thrown around a lot. Let’s define it so we are all starting with the same lens. The root word for trauma is “wound.”
For children impacted by abuse and neglect, wounds cut deep—and many are invisible.
The way they manifest is very often through behaviors.
It is critical to remember that children who have been hurt in relationship only heal in the context of relationship.
As a community, we have the privilege to be relational architects, building bridges of connection with those entrusted to our care.
The Power of Connection
Science affirms that secure attachment to a loving caregiver is paramount for children with trauma histories. Attachment begins with building healthy connection.
Connection = the ties that bind us together.
I define healthy relational connection as being seen, heard, valued, and known.
In a world saturated with social media and digital connectivity, the essence of true, authentic connection is often lost. Yet, it is this very connection—being seen, heard, valued, and known—that holds the key to unlocking the potential for healing.
The Four Pillars of Connection
Being Seen begins with welcoming eye contact. For children burdened by shame, making eye contact is sometimes very difficult. Get on your child’s eye level. Ask them to let you see those beautiful blues, browns, hazels—or whatever color makes them uniquely them. As caregivers, we must also look beyond the surface behaviors and become detectives to truly see the child in front of us. There is always meaning behind the behavior.
Being Heard goes beyond merely hearing a child’s voice; it requires dialed-in listening to what is being spoken and unspoken. Often, their voices have been silenced or ignored. Truly hearing them means processing what they are trying to communicate, even when their words are difficult or unclear. Remember, over 80% of communication is non-verbal. We must listen with our attention, not just our ears.
Being Valued: We hold special space in our hearts for the people we value. When children feel valued, they understand that their existence matters deeply. Their thoughts, ideas, concerns—their hearts—are important. Valuing a child means recognizing their inherent worth and treating them with respect and dignity. Children with trauma histories often carry a shattered sense of self-worth. We need to offer affirmation repeatedly to deconstruct internalized narratives such as: “I can’t depend on anyone” or “I must be perfect to be accepted.”
Being Known: When we see, hear, and value someone, we begin to truly know them. This knowing allows us to respond to their needs with understanding and fosters a sense of belonging. At our core, we all deeply desire to be known and to belong. Yet, many children from hard places have received repeated messages of rejection. Small acts, such as recognizing their favorite snack or remembering a fear, demonstrate that we know them, reinforcing connection and trust.
A Story of Connection
When Shelly and Jim Blake, seasoned parents, decided to foster Jake and Tommy, ages 4 and 6, they had a lot of love in their hearts to give, and they were excited to build connection with the young boys. However, the reality of the children’s trauma was far from what they imagined.
The boys had been exposed to domestic violence and displayed major physical aggression. Shelly felt overwhelmed and unprepared, especially when the boys acted out against her.
The couple was bewildered when the boys longed to return to their previous, horrific environment. The Blakes also worried about the impact this aggression would have on their biological teenagers and felt ashamed for wanting to quit.
Bedtime drama was the worst, and the Blakes became determined to understand where the perplexing behaviors they were witnessing stemmed from. They discovered that, in their previous home, the boys often didn’t have a bed or even a mattress, but they had always slept in the same room. Being near to each other brought a measure of comfort when the rest of their day had been extremely unstable and chaotic.
Once the Blakes understood the meaning behind the children’s behavior, they went to their caseworker to discuss making an allowance for a shared room. After this change was granted, bedtime was still far from perfect, as the boys were now keeping each other up talking and giggling. But just being together brought them a measure of peace that had been missing. This adjustment reduced conflict and brought renewed hope.
The Blakes did so many good things that we can learn from in this challenging situation. They saw that the original bedtime routine they were trying was not working for anyone. They asked the boys questions and listened to them tell stories about what their bedtime used to look like. They valued the children’s input and advocated to meet their underlying needs.
Tools for Building Connection
Here are some practical tools you can use to help calm challenging behaviors and build connection:
- Examine your expectations: Identify any standards or rules you hold that may be out of reach for your child. Typical bedtime routines are just one example.
- Cultivate curiosity: Seek to understand the underlying reasons for your child’s behavior. Recognize that behavior is often a strategy for coping with difficult emotions and not something they are doing “to you.” For the boys in the story I shared, the fear underpinning bedtime ran deep.
- Take action: Talk to your caseworker, a therapist, or other professionals who can provide support and guidance.
The Ripple Effect of Connection
Connection has the power to bring healing to the broken places of our stories—not just those of the children in our care, but our own, too. Rather than avoiding the tender places, let’s use connective ties to bind up old wounds.
Being seen, heard, valued, and known is a pathway for creating meaningful relationships. When we intentionally practice these concepts, we invite connection and build trust, fostering felt safety.
Felt safety is critical for our kids who have experienced trauma. It is not enough to be in a safe home—they must feel safe in the core of their being. Feeling safe is foundational to forming those ties that bind and ultimately, strengthen attachment to help children heal.
As a collaborative network of parents, caregivers, agencies, and churches, we have the power to create real change in the lives of children. It starts with prioritizing connection to help them mend the hurt, grow, and flourish.
This article was written by our friend Jenni Lord. She’s an advocate, speaker, and Founder of Chosen—an organization that empowers caregivers with the coaching and training they need to help children heal from trauma. Learn more about Chosen at their website or connect with Jenni on LinkedIn.
